You try to do something nice for people, and how do they thank you? By smashing your gesture of kindness into the asphalt.You see, being the festive and generally wonderful people we are, we naturally put up outdoor Christmas lights and decorations this year. And not just in our yard either--oh no, homies don't play that way. We put lights up in the trees in the common area on the other side of our fenced-off yard as well. And they were my favourite kind of lights. I know it's not environmentally friendly of me, but I don't like LED lights. I like the big, old-fashioned, frosted, multi-coloured Santa Lights from Canadian Tire. They just go better with the plastic 1950's Christmas wonderland theme we go in for.
So, we (well, Simon) buy all these lights, go out in the rain and string them up through the trees, and then sit back and bask in the glow of our own awesomeness (in addition to the glow from the environment-murdering wasted electricity being sucked through our many extension chords and outlets). And how do you think people in our co-op reacted? Did they all gather round like the Whos down in Whoville, clasping hands, swaying, and singing songs of holiday cheer? Did they knock on our door bearing gifts of wine, chocolate, and their undying gratitude for our display of Christmas spirit? Did they hoist us onto their shoulders and parade us through the grounds declaring that just being our neighbours is truly the greatest gift of all?
No. No they didn't.
They reacted by cruelly wrenching our brightly coloured bulbs from their sockets and smashing them to bits in the parking lot, leaving nothing behind but empty green chords tangled in the trees. And they didn't do it all at once either. It's like they were taunting us. Every time we went outside there would be a few more missing until they'd cleaned out the lot of them.
Who would do such a thing? Was it our crazy neighbour with the giant red hair and even more giant ass? She used to be known as "the" Christmas decorator in our little community, perhaps she got jealous and wanted to put a proverbial horse head in our bed. Could it have been a poor coal-miner's daughter who wanted to gather enough lights with which to surprise her eight kids by brightening the Christmas twig in their shanty? Perhaps it was a vigilante Christmas environmentalist group who spend their evenings skulking from house to house removing all non-LED lighting in the Greater Vancouver area. Or was it possibly a group of woodland creatures gathering decorations to spruce up the forest in preparation for Santa's arrival?
If any of the above scenarios were real, I'd be cool with it. But my guess is it was just a bunch of stupid kids who like smashing things. I hope the little buggers get lumps of coal in their stockings. Or just lumps. Mysterious, unexplained lumps in their little jerk bodies. That would be fair, right?
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